Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
You Might Also Like
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.