I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
You Might Also Like
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or