I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
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Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.