When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
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I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Sing it!
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
No. YOU-buprofen.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no