If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
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i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
why would tinder want me to say this
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.