I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
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*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it