“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
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#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House