If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
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Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*