Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
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is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total