Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
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[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.