My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
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Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Me too, bag. Me too….
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob