chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
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Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Great acting.. 😂
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.