I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
smartest karate player in the world
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.