mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
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EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
God has abandoned us.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them