“Ninja please” -Japanese people
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Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me