Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
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[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.