*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
You Might Also Like
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
LMAO
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.