Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
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Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Nose
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Getting married soon just need a spouse
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.