[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
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has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
[eats all your cotton candy]
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.