I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
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I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
*limbos under the caution tape
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Whoa 😂
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…