Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
the three branches of government
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.