she would like to bark at the manager, please.
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In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Look at this
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.