5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
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Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Happy Caturday!
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
life finds a way
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*