Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
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I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.