I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
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When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
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This 4th of July, please remember…
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.