Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
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WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’