The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
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Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Worth a try
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Sooo many times…..
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate