COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
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The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will