Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
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I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
#SCOTUS one-star review
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.