Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
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CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it