The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
You Might Also Like
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you