her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
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I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*