My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
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GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time