Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
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People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle