*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
You Might Also Like
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.