DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
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*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
(more comics:
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.