[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
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Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
i love modern commerce
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Battery falling down a hole