so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
You Might Also Like
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?