Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
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Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
a god among men
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!