#inspiration #foodforthought
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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.