Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
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The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
step 6: release the wall snake
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …