[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
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Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
My dress code is business-casualty.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’d love this…lol
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.