instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
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*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
my first day as a raccoon
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option