[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
You Might Also Like
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder