You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
You Might Also Like
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!