I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
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A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Customize Your Wedding.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.