So creative 😂
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[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Dietest Coke
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere