I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
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i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
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If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.