Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
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when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.