I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
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A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking